Guest Blog Post: Russell Elkins, Author of Open Adoption, Open Heart

Anyone who knows me knows I'm adopted. I've known all my life and have never made a secret of it. I had a very satisfying childhood and view the family that raised me as my true family. That said, I was found by my birth mother several years ago and we now have a steady, ongoing relationship. The experience inspired me to write Battle Axe, which is not to say it is based on my experience in any way--it simply served as a catalyst for my imagination to run wild and wonder what would happen if a man my age suddenly found out he was adopted, at age 40, and was subsequently found by his birth mother...or someone claiming to be, at any rate.

I continue to be an advocate for adoption and for adoptees and their birth parents to find each other--and then decide if it's right to continue a relationship. I know such reunions--much like open adoptions--do not always go as intended, but one must keep an open mind. 

With that, I turn this blog over to Russell Elkins, who has just published Open Adoption, Open Heart: An Adoptive Father's Inspiring Journey. More information about Russell and his book follows this post. Russell's appearance was arranged by Kathy, who writes the wonderful I Am a Reader, Not a Writer blog.

All of the most wonderful people in the world have had a group of people hating them. Jesus Christ was crucified; Martin Luther King Jr. was murdered; even people like Michael Jordan had people who despised him simply because of his achievements. Every church, organization, group of people who band together to do good in the world have another group opposing them. Adoption is no different.

I didn’t really realize the extent of it until I jumped into the adoption advocacy world. My favorite thing I’ve been called is “adopta-raptor” because people like me swoop down and snatch people’s kids. I’m sorry, I know that even though she was trying to be malicious when she called me that, the way to insult someone is not to call them something cute like that. I had to laugh.

Most of the people who hate adoption are people who have felt cheated or wronged by the process. Almost universally, at some point in their adoption experience the control over their own situation was taken out of their hands- a mother forced by her parents or someone else to place her child for adoption, a grandpa who didn’t want his daughter to place her child, a woman who chose adoption after being raped, a father whose children were removed from his home by the state, etc. Hatred toward adoption is almost always centered around a situation having gone wrong at some point. Not many people who have had little to do with adoption truly hate the concept enough to fight against it.

That’s why my wife and I stand as tall as we can for adoption. We see things so very differently from our side. For us, it was a way to build a family, and family is what life is all about. Family is what helps us learn to love in ways that we can’t experience anywhere else. And with adoption, especially now that most adoptions are “open” adoptions, we have learned to love our children’s biological parents in a way that we never understood possible before.

The relationship we have with our children’s biological families is very unique. It’s not natural for us as human beings to want to share the concept of parenthood with someone else- that goes for the adoptive side as well as the biological side. Yet, we make it work! Not only do we make it work, it works very well. It was not automatic, though. Open adoption is not a single event- it’s a journey. It’s a road that twists and turns and both sides have to find the balance together.

I’m a better man because of open adoption. I’m a better man because I have learned to love in a new way- the way only a parent can learn to do by being a parent. I’m a better man because of the way I’ve learned to love that unique branch of our family tree that we call “birth parents” because, yes, we love them and, yes, they’re our family too.

All I’ve ever really wanted to do and all I’ve ever really wanted to be is a father and a husband. Everything else I am and do is a tangent of that. Adoption has made that possible and I will be forever grateful for that.

Author Bio:

Russell Elkins was born on Andrews Air Force Base near Washington, D.C., in the fall of 1977. Along with his five siblings, he and his military family moved around a lot, living in eight different houses by the time he left for college at age 17. Although his family movedaway from Fallon, Nevada, just a few months after he moved out, he still considers that little oasis in the desert to be his childhood hometown. He and his family now live in the Boise, Idaho area.

Russell has always been a family man at heart, looking forward to the day when he could be a husband and a father. It took him a little while, but eventually his eyes locked onto a beautiful blonde, and he has never looked away. Russell and Jammie were married in 2004. Years of struggling with infertility left Russell and Jammie with a decision to make and their lives changed dramatically when they decided to adopt.

Russell and Jammie have adopted two beautiful children, Ira and Hazel, and have embraced their role as parents through open adoption. Both are actively engaged in the adoption community by communicating through social media, taking part in discussion panels, and writing songs about adoption. Russell also writes a weekly post for Adoption.com and contributes regularly to Adoption Voices Magazine.

Book Summary:

The world of adoption has changed dramatically over the past twenty years. No longer do biological parents have to say goodbye to their child forever. They now have more options when deciding the type of adoption to pursue, such as open adoption. Open adoption creates the opportunity for a special relationship between biological parents, the adoptive parents, and the child.

Open Adoption, Open Heart is an inspiring and true story, which takes the reader deeper into the feelings and emotions experienced by adoptive parents. As you read this incredible story, you will experience the joys, difficulties, and amazing victories facing adoptive couples. Russell and his wife, Jammie, invite you to share in their inspiring and heartwarming journey.

See the book trailer here.

Interviewed on "Just Following a Dream" blog!

Jessica Sayler, author of the "Just Following a Dream" blog (and author of a WIP tentatively entitled "Awakened") was kind enough to host me on her blog and ask me a series of interesting--and random--questions. However, as fellow authors know, there's no such thing as a random question or thought when it comes to fiction. Anything is fair game and anything can lead to inspiration, a plot point, dialogue or a character. The interview deals with both my humorous suspense novels, the recent Kindle Book Review honoree Ring of Fire and Battle Axe, and touches on my own WIP Opposite Day). You can read the brief interview here.

Ring of Fire Selected as “Best Indie Book of 2012” Semifinalist!

The Kindle Book Review has selected Ring of Fire as a suspense/horror semifinalist in its annual Best Indie Books competition. The page has had over 50,000 hits in the last couple of months so this is some invaluable exposure for my debut novel. The final five finalists from each category will be announced on September 1, and the six winners (one in each category) will be announced on October 1. I'll be sure to update you as I find out, but this is a huge thrill for a book that was once agented and had lost hope of finding a "home." 

North Carolina Month on Booksie's Blog!

It's North Carolina author month on Booksie's Blog. Ring of Fire, my humorous suspense novel set in a thinly-disguised Chapel Hill, is featured today.

"Hopelessly Devoted Bibliophile" Interview

Certified bibliophile Jessica Torres has interviewed me on her "Hopelessly Devoted Bibliophile" blog and you can read the brief interchange here. Like many things these days, it was done entirely via email, which was quite convenient, I must say. I'm trying to round up as many of these as I can, in addition to building up my book reviews, in the hopes of mounting a more aggressive promotional push (blog tour, giveaways, etc.). Jessica is holding a contest to win a free e-copy of each of my books, but hey, if you'd like a free e-copy of either in exchange for a review, just let me know!

They're Even Funnier If You're Drunk.

The esteemed Crossroads Bar at the landmark Carolina Inn in Chapel Hill has been completely renovated in what looks to be a permanent tribute to Daily Tar Heel cartoonists. Four of my pieces are framed around the room, including one entire Man from UNCle strip (the popular “steal the Old Well after graduation” one). Also included are a few illustrations I did to accompany columns and editorial pieces. My friend Trip Park is represented there as well, as is Charlie Daniels, Jeff MacNelly and other, much more famous alum.

(Sorry for the sloppy appearance of the play window--my html skills don't go much beyond "cut and paste.")

Top Ten Musical "Novelists"

Music figures prominently into both of my humorous suspense novels—in Ring of Fire, one of my main characters is a college student whose iPod is improbably crammed with selections from the Great American Songbook. In Battle Axe, the protagonist leads a weekend swing band. If I had any musical aptitude, I’m sure I would have tried to start my own band at some point in my life. As things went, I’ve had to settle for lyric writing for my best friend (who IS a world-class musician, songwriter, and now ebook cover designer) and simply surrounding myself with good music whenever and wherever possible. In fact, whenever I’ve changed addresses, the stereo is always the last thing packed and the first thing unpacked.

You hear people say “oh, I like all kinds of music,” but they don’t really mean it. I really mean it. Among the 30,000 songs on my iPod, you’ll find everything from Benny Goodman to Bob Marley, from Flight of the Conchords to Frank Sinatra. Classical, country, Latin and jazz, too. Basically, if it’s got a melody, it’s fair game.

Lyrics are another matter. I can suffer through lame lyrics if the melody’s catchy enough, but not the other way around. To me, great lyrics set to bad music is simply poetry. Great lyrics set to great music, however, is timeless. Sorry Bob Dylan—I can’t hum words.

Here are my Top 10 Musical Novelists. Criteria? The ability to consistently create compelling, memorable characters, conjure up moods or atmospheres or flat-out tell a story. All in the context of an unforgettable tune.

Billy Joel

Haven’t we all known a Brenda and Eddie? Or had a Leyna we were fruitlessly obsessed with? I was born well after the early days of rock and roll, but An Innocent Man takes me back, every time. And when 2017 rolls around, I will be nowhere near Miami.

Ben Folds

Thanks to Ben, I know how it feels to take your girlfriend for an abortion. I know how it feels to get fired after working for a newspaper for 30 years. He cheated recently, because he did an album with a novelist. But for my money, Ben’s lyrics are as good if not better than Nick Hornby’s.

Fountains of Wayne

An easy pick—their titles are characters: Michael and Heather, Denise, Yolanda Hayes, Richie and Ruben, even Stacy’s Mom. Their eye for detail—no, rhyming detail—is amazing, and no action is too mundane to be immortalized. Oddly enough, it all rings true. “Checking out the women on Spanish television?” Come on, we’ve all done it.

Paul Simon

Paul is a thinking man’s lyricist, but he knows it. He gave Billy Joel the complete Oxford English Dictionary as a wedding present. Sure he’s oblique, but he puts you in places you’ve never been before. When I was in Brussels recently at the Magritte museum, I had trouble focusing on the artwork because I couldn’t get “Rene and Georgette Magritte with Their Dog After the War” out of my head.

Aimee Mann

Texturally, Aimee can get a little redundant, and her voice has its limits, but when it’s singing plaintively to Mr. Harris, it’s right on the mark. In her hands, the 30-ish woman pining for her 60-ish neighbor isn’t creepy, but naively sweet.

XTC

Weird yet accessible. I’ve never sat on a picnic blanket by a babbling brook in the English countryside in the dead of summer, but I have listened to “Summer’s Cauldron/Grass,” and that’s pretty much the same thing. “Then She Appeared” is either about Botticellis’s Birth of Venus or the church doors parting, revealing my soon-to-be-wife walking down the aisle.

Bruce Springsteen

I admit I’ve never been a huge "Boss" fan (mainly because of that ragged voice), but for working class characters with oversized—or shattered--dreams, no one can touch him.  Rosalita, Sandy, all the tortured souls on The Rising. If you aren’t these people, then you know these people.

Donald Fagan

If Springsteen creates characters you can relate to, then Donald Fagan creates characters who send you scrambling for the Purell. Cousin Dupree is the guy who gets a little older, gets a little money and “befriends” Janie Runaway. There are no morals here, only self-interest. Come to think of it, I guess I can relate to that.

Leiber & Stoller

In 2 ½ minutes, tell me a story about a sideshow belly dancer, describe her gyrations, her tattoos and her jewelry, and do it from the POV of a fan who stumbled upon her act, fell in love and started a family with her. Never mind, it’s been done: “Little Egypt.”

Stephen Sondheim

Before he was “allowed” to write music, he was tossing off classic lyrics for West Side Story and Gypsy. When he finally had control over the entire songs, he created one of the latter day classics, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, which perfectly complemented the slapstick script. Yet when the story called for murder, blood and cannibalism, he was right there with the uncomfortably hilarious “A Little Priest.”

All over the map, right? I warned you. As long as we have music, we have the means to put ourselves into whatever kind of mood we wish. Hope you enjoy Battle Axe on Wattpad and give Ring of Fire a chance, too. 

Podcast with Wattpad!

I've done announcer-type work and voiceovers for years as kind of a side job, but I still don't love listening to myself. You, however, are welcome to. This is an interview I did last week with the exceedingly nice Pam from Wattpad, a very popular site for writers to post their work and gain free exposure. I'm bound to Amazon to keep "Ring of Fire" there exclusively for another few weeks, but I posted "Battle Axe" on Wattpad back in March and it's already received over 100,000 "reads." Pam asks me about my background in fiction, cartooning, advertising and whatever else we can think of.

Listen to it here.

Choose Your Friends Carefully

What I mean by that is, if at all possible, during your formative years, become friends with someone who, a few decades later will offer to design your ebook cover as a personal favor. Make sure this person is someone who displays very little aptitude or passion for graphic design at the time, but through hard work and dedication miraculously transforms into a visionary artist and Photoshopper par excellence.

Well, that's what I did, anyway, and look what it got me.

I'm posting a larger cover of my debut novel Ring of Fire here, mainly to give it a place to live so I can send out links. My designer--the multi-talented Mike Sottong--worked with my crude notions of a concept and created what you see here. The plot of Ring of Fire involves a nefarious (and occasionally hilarious) scheme to monitor college student's purchase habits--using hidden cameras--and then exploit them. Where are the cameras? Based on this cover, where do you think? The basis of the ring on the cover was Mike's (and my) actual class ring, from the now-defunct Robert E. Peary High School in Rockville, Maryland.

There are conflicting opinions on whether ebooks even need covers, or if a cover makes a difference. That's a topic for another blog post. However, I'm also making Ring of Fire available as a paperback, and paperbacks need covers. Shamefully, I do judge books by their covers, and I wanted mine to look professional. First impressions and all.

Should you desire a cover for your ebook/paperback, Mike has graciously offered to work with select indie authors at a greatly reduced rate (possibly for free, depending on the terms). Just let me know and I'll hook you up.

What'd I Miss?

A lot has changed since I was last here, mainly in the publishing world. The ultimate goals used to be 1.) find an agent and 2.) get published. Not that I'd turn down either an agent or a publishing deal at this point, but I'd give them a lot more thought than I would have in 2009. Why? The rise of ebooks and indie publishing. 

I've spent the last few months devouring all kinds of research on how to properly take one's fiction directly to readers. It's not only possible, it can be highly rewarding--not in terms of money, although that would be nice, but just getting your book (or a digital version of it) in readers' hands. I've had my share of beta readers (friends/family) and my writer's group, but we're talking strangers--people who choose to read your book with no personal knowledge of you. I wanted to do it right, and doing it right takes a while:

1. Comb through the book yet again, knowing it will be making its public debut
2. Edit and format it to within an inch of its life
3. Design a professional cover
4. Make sure it looks exactly how you want it to in each format you plan to offer
5. Register a domain
6. Launch a website
7. Establish a Twitter identity and attract followers
8. Set the price for your paperback and digital content
9. Launch titles

...but you're still not done. Now you'll need to:

Promote them aggressively on a daily basis.

I had a good buddy help me extensively with the covers and I must say, I think they really capture the look and feel I was going for. And they can hold their own with any professional cover out there--and they blow the pants off a lot of amateur covers. No offense.

I built the site myself from a template, but I'd like to think it comes off as a custom job. It's all keyword-optimized, so hopefully, over time (and through new content via this blog), its rankings will improve. 

Both Ring of Fire and Battle Axe went live this week, as paperbacks and ebooks. No sales yet, but I'm still building relationships and seeking a base of reviews before I start more aggressive promotion. I hope to do a free Kindle promotion with Ring of Fire soon that should get it a little more attention, and I'll report on the results here.

I guess this posts marks the shift in the focus of this blog. It will still be about my writing process, as I plan to write many more books in the years to come (and am 2/3 of the way through my next one, the middle grade adventure I've referred to here before), but now it's decidedly not about "trying to get published." As far as I'm concerned, I am published. Now I just have to get read.

Note: if you'd like a free copy of either book in exchange for a review, just let me know. I've got tons of them sitting around on my hard drive.

We Lost Another Reader.

Not a reader of this blog. If we lost one of those, we'd be in negative numbers. I mean a devoted reader of fiction, those invaluable souls who keep us writers in business. Okay, by "us," I mean "people who get paid to write fiction." Maybe one day "us" will include "me."

His name was Carl and there was no one else quite like him, nor will there ever be again. He was born in Germany, immigrated to Charleston, SC at age 10 with a strong German accent he never lost. He fought in WWII against Germany and even provided translation after the fall of Berlin. His love of all languages inspired him to become fluent in at least a half dozen of them: Italian, French, Spanish, Latin (I know, not a spoken language), Ancient Greek and of course English and German (I'm sure there are more, but this is off the top of my head). This came in quite handy as the head of the Comparative Languages Department at SUNY-Albany, a position he eventually attained and held until retirement. In his spare time, he played chamber music and was a walking encylopedia of classical music knowledge.

He had strong opinions and he wasn't shy in broadcasting them--he didn't suffer fools at all, much less gladly. Woe be unto the individual who attempted to change his mind on a particular subject. Academically, I have never known a smarter person. Nor have I ever met anyone who owned more books, in more languages. He frequently read foreign fiction in its original language: Cervantes, Plato, Rabeleis, Goethe, Dante, you name it. In later years, he committed his time almost exclusively to large-print mysteries and would roar through one or more in a single day. Though I knew it wouldn't be to his liking, I printed out a heavily edited copy of my first book, a humorous suspense called "Ring of Fire," in 16-point type, although he never got around to reading it. I have a feeling since it wasn't officially published, he didn't think it would be worth the effort. He was probably right.

Though I'm sure he deemed my profession (advertising) hopelessly frivolous, his Latin and Italian proficiencies found their way into a couple of projects of mine through the years. He helped me write a tagline for a pseudo-educational institution and an entire radio spot in Italian for a local menswear store specializing in Italian suits. For this, and for countless other reasons, he will be missed.

His love of family was unrivaled, and he never failed to let us know how happy he was to see us on our frequent visits. I trust my sons are old enough to appreciate and remember his unabashed love for them.

Because of his amazing resilience and determination (and probably sturdy German genes), we had him longer than we expected, for which we're grateful. In the end, though, his suffering outweighed his desire to be among us and he left us with an indelible image of a full life lived on his own terms. If I lived twice as long, I could only hope to learn half of what he knew. His legacy will live on through his daughter (my wife) and his grandsons (our sons). He lived to see them become competent piano players and excel academically--music and education being the two things he valued nearly as much as family.

He was an extensive traveler in his day and we plan on perpetuating that family tradition as well, time and money permitting. Knowledge comes in all forms, and travel is one of the most mind-broadening experiences available.
A toast to you, Dad. On behalf of writers everywhere, we thank you for your lifelong patronage and for showing us all that you're never too old for a good story.

He did it, but can I?

Genre-hopping. Let's check in with Neil Young on the subject:

"I used to be pissed off at Bobby Darin because he changed styles so much. Now I look at him and think he was a f---ing genius."

I'll go on the record right now as being one of the planet's biggest Bobby Darin fans. In my book, he's second only to Sinatra. No one had the swing or swagger down better. Not Bennett, not Torme, not...well, hell, who else was there? Sammy? Nat? They had their moments. Harry Connick, Jr. and Michael Buble give it their best, and Harry comes close on occasion, but there's an over-earnestness to both of them. At least Harry can write and play. Buble is professional karaoke.

Back to Bobby: what else makes this guy so freaking cool? He wrote a ton of his own material. Take that, Sinatra. Problem with Bobby is that he was born a decade or so too late. By the time he cut "Mack the Knife," Sinatra's brand of swing was on the way out. So over the next ten years, he bounced around from swing to country to folk, writing his own stuff all the way. His last record contract was on the Motown label, for Pete's sake. How versatile can you get?

Now, I don't love-love his folk or country stuff, but I'll give him points for authenticity--that is, he doesn't sound like a poseur. He really pulls it off, no matter what he does.

Thing is, can I? I know the "comic suspense" genre pretty well, having written two novels in it so far. As I try to break through with both Ring of Fire and Battle Axe, I'm finding myself drawn to another, totally foreign territory: young adult adventure. I didn't read a lot of it as a kid (I don't think there was a lot of it when I was a kid), but it's a beyond-huge genre right now, thankyouveddymuch Ms. Rowling.

My son read The Lightning Thief last year and got hooked on the whole series. Intrigued, I picked it up to see what all the hype-la was about. I appreciated it, but didn't quite see anything going on there that I hadn't encountered over the years as a reader. Solid, but nothing groundbreaking.

Kinda like my writing, if I say so myself.

So instead of writing yet another comic suspense novel that agents "don't know what to do with," I thought I'd take a crack at something that's actually selling these days. And I've got a couple of built-in test readers just down the hall from my bedroom.

Wish me luck.

Prince Charles, you have my sympathy.

So I met Carl Hiaasen last night. Yeah, that Carl Hiaasen. My favorite living author. The undisputed king of that tiniest of sub-genres: comic suspense. Turns out he's not ready to pack it in yet. And here I was, ready to step in with my two comic suspense manuscripts and assume the throne.

The guy's friends with Jimmy Buffett--isn't that enough of an achievement for one lifetime? Does he really need to keep writing these...books? The tireless and exceedingly nice guy has just brought out a third YA (young adult) book ("Scat," which my son and I started last night and is very promising) and is working on another adult one as we speak. Which of course means less shelf space for me.

I had a nice, if brief, conversation with him. I do regret not pushing a business card on him with a link to this blog, or at least cramming my query letter in his jacket pocket. Still, I thanked him for all the years of entertainment and the inspiration.

Back to work.

The Query, as it stands.

So I'm getting some traffic with this.

After forty years, Dorsey Duquesne believes he’s finally found his mother. Too bad she keeps trying to kill him. BATTLE AXE, my 100K-word suspense novel, will appeal to fans of Carl Hiaasen, Janet Evanovich and Bill Fitzhugh.

When his father dies, the last thing Dorsey needs is a mid-life crisis. But when the funeral lures long-buried family skeletons out of the closet, his childhood is reduced to a carefully constructed set piece. His sense of identity dented, Dorsey hires a strip-mall P.I. to track down his birth mother—and finds a feisty German woman who not only blames him for the death of her lover, but whose only interest in a mother/son relationship involves picking out his headstone.

Under the spell of her rehearsed charm, he’s soon guzzling sedative-spiked beer and being pulled from her burning cottage by an oddly paternal village night watchman. Before his new “mom” can pen the final chapter of his revised life story, Dorsey must break her manipulative grip on his heart and realize that a family isn’t defined by birth certificates and blood types. Sometimes it's simply a matter of who's willing to take a harpoon for you.

Given your success with the genre, I thought you would be an ideal agent for BATTLE AXE. I’m an advertising copywriter and a writing professor at UNC-Chapel Hill, where I earned my journalism degree. I am also a well-adjusted adoptee and have recently met my birth mother. She does not, to my knowledge, own a harpoon.

Just heard back from an agent today that she liked the book, describing it as possessing "a great grittiness, humor and humanity, along with a nice tense plot." She also said she didn't have the right editorial connections to place it.

Going to a Carl Hiaasen book signing tonight. I plan to thank him for the inspiration and demand an apology for creating such a difficult genre to break into.

Take that, Elmore Leonard.

In his "book" (if can call a hardback with one sentence per page a book) "10 Rules of Writing," Elmore Leonard states emphatically:

Never use any word other than "said" to attribute dialogue.

Although I'm sure he would quibble with my use of the word "emphatically." Because it's an adverb.

Anyway, my son brings home this flyer from school recently that flies in the face of the great Mr. Leonard's advice. So who's right? The multi-million selling book author with 50 years of writing under his belt, or my son's fourth grade teacher?

Personally, I like a good dialogue attributer now and then. But then, maybe that's why I'm not published.

Round one to you, Mr. Leonard.

You're a Lucky Fellow, Mr. Smith

We interrupt your trek to the polls with this reminder of why.

Hey, you're a lucky fellow, Mr. Smith, to be able to live as you do,
And to have that swell Miss Liberty gal carrying the torch for you
You're a lucky fellow, Mr. Smith--look around you if you want to brag,
You should thank your lucky stars and I mean, thank all 50 in your flag

This bit of Capraesque patrioti-corn was recorded by Frank Sinatra in 1964 and features the incredibly dated backing of Fred Waring's Pennsylvanians. However, it stirs the soul to this day, particularly on this day.



You're a very, very wealthy gent--I don't care if you haven't a cent
You can still have things your own way, on each Election Day
If some poor suckers could choose, they like to be in your shoes
That proves that your good fortune's no myth
You're a lucky fellow, Mr. Smith.

I voted, as much as they would let me. Hope you did too.

Not for me--thanks!

Is this meant to encourage me? What other profession is based on your relying on people beating down your door and then you decide if you'll even acknowledge them?

I speak, of course, of the venerated literary agent. I've been sending out dozens of equeries lately, with maybe a 10% response rate. With a direct mail piece, this would be phenomenal. With a well-written, professional query, it's abysmal. But not unexpected. That's the norm these days--agents are flooded with equeries (and snail mail ones as well) to the point where they only respond if they're interested. But I wonder how much more productive we'd all be if they could take the ten seconds or so to paste in one of three responses and actually...respond:

1. While your writing is strong, this particular project doesn't appeal to me. However, feel free to submit to me in the future. (keeps the good writers going--maintains a connection that might pay off for the agent one day)
2. Based on the way this query is written, I don't have sufficient confidence I could sell your work. (tells the writer the query is crap and to not waste other agents' time with it--a public service to agents everywhere!)
3. Based on the story you're proposing, I don't have sufficient confidence I could sell your work. (tells the writer the story itself is crap and stop querying it outright--a service to agents everywhere and the deluded writer)

I could handle one of these. They're all form replies, they're all professional and polite, but at least it would give us clueless writers some semblance of direction. It would let us know if it's the story or the query itself that has problems. It would let us know whether or not to ever pursue that agent again. It would let us know if we should just hang it up altogether, if one is tempted to read between the lines.

It reminds me of a client I once had. I read him a few scripts for radio commercials and he roundly condemned them all. When I asked for a little direction, so I could improve them and bring them around to his liking, he said, "I don't need to give a speech about why I don't like 'em. I just don't!"

Oooookay.

"Not for me--thanks!"

Now, I ask you, what am I supposed to do with that?